Haunted by the Ghost of My Fat Self

Exhilaration.
That’s what I feel when I flip through clothing racks and realize I have to look for size 4s and 6s now instead of 12s and 14s.

I buy smaller clothes. I wear smaller clothes. So, why do I still think I look fat?

“Fat” is a highly subjective term. I remember “hating” waif-looking girls who complained they were “huge.” All of us have different thresholds for what weight feels healthy or not. While I’ve dropped about 50 pounds over the past few years, I still feel and see “fat.”

Perhaps it’s because I had expectations of what my body would look like as a size four. Then again, I’ve had two kids. Pregnancy does some weird things to one’s body, some of which will never change no matter how much I diet and exercise.

What’s ironic is that I didn’t feel or see “fat” until I made it a point to get into shape.

Despite this, I feel better, have more energy, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. So, what does this internal, psychological warfare boil down to?

Expectations and reality.

I won’t do anything stupid or drastic because of my skewed perceptions. I vow to continue pursuing a healthy lifestyle while realizing my limitations and knowing that it’s better to eat and exercise in moderation than forbidding certain foods and overdoing workouts.

For now, I keep telling my “fat” ghost she doesn’t scare me anymore. But do I really believe that? Maybe she’s haunting me because I’m afraid she’ll return.